bitter veggies

As time passes, it gets easier to not be so sad about miscarrying. In fact, sometimes I feel downright ridiculous for ever being so upset about it. That being said...

I have told a few people and every single one has asked, "So if you hadn't taken a pregnancy test, you wouldn't have even known, right?".

Yes. And a big fat NO.

I felt pregnant. I was constipated, tingly in the chesty area, and emotional beyond all get-out.

I felt pregnant. I knew there was something inside of me. I connected to this little pea. My brain was chugging at Baby: Full steam ahead.

Somehow, when they ask me that, it makes me feel less credible. Like, I'm being a drama mama for experiencing any sadness about it or for even mentioning it.

At the same time, I don't want anyone hovering over me, watching me for signs of depression. Whether I am depressed or not.

These days, I don't think about it every second, but I still can't seem to pull my head out of the fridge. I am going to severely regret the poor decisions I am making right now. I've already gained over five pounds in less than a week.

I can hardly go on Facebook without sneering at several of the status updates. Everyone and their dog is pregnant right now and complaining about every little ache and pain and the waiting game.

Shut. Up.

At least you have something in there.

I know this is all very bitter and immature, but I can't seem to smother that twinge of anger completely.

And I am a complete hypocrite. Not so long ago, every single time I would complain about the new level of psychosis my children were driving me to on Facebook, this girl would leave comments such as: "At least you can get pregnant" or "I wouldn't know; I can't bear children".
It was ridiculous. *roll eyes and groan* Yes. We all know you're infertile. How sorry can we be?

Now...here I sit in my little dark, stormy mood and think similar things.

Karma? or a walk in another man's shoes??

The Bitter, better with butter, Pod

just (b)eat it

I called my OBGYN's office today and talked to his medical assistant. I described what had occurred over the past two weeks. She told me I had indeed miscarried.

It was an early miscarriage. No medical attention needed, but worth mentioning on medical records in the future.

Now...???

Ask me in a couple of weeks. Right now I am too busy doing nothing but wallowing in self-pity and pans of rice krispie treats, sticks of string cheese, and gallons of Dr. Pepper.

The Swelling (but not from baby) Pod

rotten veggies

How {*blank} that I started miscarrying on Black Friday.

*fitting, funny, ironic, coincidental, metaphorical, allegorical, oxymoronic, stupid, strange, rotten, melancholy...

The Empty Pod

Black Friday.

At 2 am I found myself in the ER with our 16-month old who was struggling to breath. My children and I have had rotten colds this week and the baby's illness was getting the best of her airways.

As much as a hospital bill frightens me, seeing my tiny girl fighting for breaths was terrifying. I concluded the stomach ache I felt while cradling her in the hospital room was a result of the panic I felt for her. Or maybe the late/early hour.

After the nurses and doctor treated her for croup (three children and I have never dealt with this particular illness before), they sent us home to bed. Upon waking, I habitually went to the bathroom.

Blood. More. Heavier than before. Not good.

I hoped for the best and remembered hearing stories of other women still having their periods while pregnant. Still feeling uneasy, I went to the store and purchased yet another pregnancy test.

It was negative. Not even a faint, teeny, tiny, trace of a line.

I was prepared to think about this ending in a miscarriage, but I wasn't prepared for the wave of grief I felt as I saw that negative result.

I cried.

I showed my husband the result. I gave him a baby the day before. The next day, it was gone.

I feel...a fool.

I feel like a dramatic little girl who is upset about her toy getting taken away. I am angry at myself for getting so emotional about it. I am ashamed of myself for making such a big deal out of the pregnancy beforehand and then to make a big deal out of this.

I feel embarrassed to even call it a "miscarriage". I am still not quite sure what to call what has happened. There was a line on that stupid, stupid test. Now there is no line. At one point I WAS PREGNANT. Now, I am not. It is gone. That little line is gone and with it that child I was safeguarding.

I am so conflicted right now. I am incredibly saddened...and I don't feel like I should be. For heaven's sake I was only about 5 weeks along. Hardly far enough along to be real. But it was very real for me.

For the past two weeks I have been tending this sweet, little secret in my head and in my belly. I was pondering what my little pea would look like, smell like. I was getting excited to feel it move within me and to eventually hold it in my arms. I wondered if it was a boy or girl.

I felt so sure I had "Mother's Intuition". I had thought I had spiritual impressions regarding this particular pregnancy, that this child was special. That it was specifically meant to come to our family at this time. That it would complete our family.

I just KNEW all these things about this pregnancy. And now that it is over before it's hardly begun...I hardly know what I KNOW now. Do I trust my spiritual promptings? Was I imagining the whole thing?

I know I am "dramatic". I know this about myself. But now I don't know what to do with myself. Am I allowed to mourn? Was there even anything to mourn? My husband doesn't even want me to talk to others about it. I did tell my sisters and mom and I know he was displeased with me for that. He feels that talking about it will make it into a bigger deal than it is. Part of me agrees with him and part of me doesn't.

And part of me realizes that it is okay that this ended. It means that something was wrong and it is good that it didn't progress further. For that I am grateful. I think now I am just so confused about how to feel about this especially since I felt so strongly before about this particular pregnancy.

I still have trouble saying "I am having a miscarriage". I am going to call the doctor on Monday and if they tell it was a miscarriage, I will call it that. But if they pass it off as no big deal, I will try to do that too.

For now, I am sifting through a lot of different feelings. Waves of sadness are still washing over me. For the past two weeks my thinking and planning has been picking up steam, taking me to the destination of Baby: July 2010. Now, I need to slow the train, stop it, and get off.

Part of me wants to sit around and be depressed and eat. It is important that I don't get caught up in that reasoning. That will not help anything.

Part of me wants to tell people, but part of me doesn't. I want to ask questions, but I don't want to annoy my husband and I don't want to appear to be the dramatic fool I feel.

I will admit, part of me feels relieved. The timing was off in the practical sense. The baby would have been due July 30. July is already a hectic month for our family with lots of birthdays, anniversary, and holidays. Now, I won't have to struggle with morning sickness through the holidays. I can get re-started on my jogging like I had planned to do before. I can focus on the three beautiful children I have and on the housework and projects vying for my attention.

I am most certain there will be another pregnancy in the future that will produce that fourth child I felt so profoundly about. And all will be well...soon.

No longer The Pod

update

The bleeding had stopped.

I wouldn't have even called it bleeding. Spotting really. It only lasted about a day or two. Then it was gone. The at-home tests confirmed I was still pregnant.

The bleeding has begun again today. Brighter, heavier. I am worried. This is definitely not normal.

mi bebe es su bebe

The Gardener knows.

I couldn't take it. This secret was too much for me to carry alone.

I wrote the address of this blog down on a card, slipped it into the cover of The Secret, wrapped it, and gave it to my husband.

He opened it and gave me The Look. The Look that says, "This better not be what I think it is!"

It took him a few minutes of reading...Then: "Is this a joke??"

Don't judge him too harshly! The poor man has been manipulated in the past. One ill-humored April Fool's joke can create resonating tetchy feelings for years.

He didn't jump up and down like a giddy little school girl, but he evidenced enough affection and tenderness to allay my fears of his displeasure with our latest and greatest news.

I love that man of mine!

Revealingly, The Pod

A Post for The Gardener

My dearest Gardener,

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today, as every other day, I am very grateful for you and our little family! I appreciate all you do for us. I am thankful you are such a faithful and hard-working provider. I love you very much!!

We have much to be grateful for everyday and now we have even more...

As I am pregnant with our fourth baby!

Congratulations Big Papa!

I love you!

Love, Your Wife (The Pod)

kryptonite

My resolve is weakening.

Ever since my husband... I'm going to call him The Gardener from now on...He is the one who planted the seed after all. Ha ha ha!

Ever since The Gardener found the blog yesterday, I have had to almost literally clamp my hands over my mouth to refrain from revealing that I am pregnant.

I can't do this.

My grand plan was to wait until Christmas morning. I was hoping to have an ultrasound picture by then. I would wrap it up in a little box and present it to him. Wouldn't that be a great way to do it?

But that is over a month away.

My energy levels are already waning and he has started saying things about the condition of the house. In his defense, he has always been very kind to me about the way I keep house (if you could even call it that), hardly ever making comments about how chaotic and haphazard it is. Knowing that, it must be getting pretty bad if he is saying something now. I don't want him to think I don't care or that I am that lazy of a house wife (though, very likely possibilities).

Plus, I need a partner in this.

I have been pregnant before and as I recall, Weeks 8 through 18 are pretty rough. ("Morning sickness" much?) Sometimes it's nice just to have someone to whine to.

Although...men don't really get that part.

Years ago, we had several couples over for a fun-filled evening of games and food. Several of the women were pregnant and, of course, "pregnancy-talk" ensued. When each of the women began bemoaning how tough "morning sickness" was, one girl piped up, "I just know it's all in my head, so I talk myself out of it, and it works. I don't have any morning sickness!"

*silence*

All of the women stared at her with wide eyes and even wider, gaping jaws. The men in the room had heard too and swooped upon this little tidbit of information faster than an eagle clutches up a scrambling jack rabbit.

Now that The Gardener knows "it's all in my head" (*scoff*) I'm left wanting in the sympathy department.

Oh well. I still want to tell him.

Plus, this little secret I'm keeping is literally half his. Is it morally moral for me to keep this from him for very long?

Like I said in an earlier post... I think TOO much!

The Withering Pod

Liar, Liar, pants on fire! (Part Deux)

I had jumped on my little blog here this morning feeling a little paranoid that my husband was onto my little secret.

(I have actually kept it a secret so far!! A real feat for me! I've barely made it out of the bathroom before blurting out the news to him with my past pregnancies. Zero magic in the reveal.)

From what I could tell he hadn't stumbled upon the blog...yet. In my hurry to get off the computer before he came down stairs, I totally forgot to log off!!! ACK!

He got on the computer and immediately asked, "Who is 'justpeaandpod'??".

Think brain think!!!

"Uhhh...That's just a blog I follow. Why do you ask? Oh! That's weird! That's happened to me a time or two before. Hurry and log off! You don't want to mess anything up or get a virus on our computer or something!"

*Hold breath*

Husband proceeds to log off and check his own mail.

*Breath out*

He totally bought it!! I thought I was a goner for sure!

But, here's the thing...My husband is an intelligent man. I'm still quite paranoid; maybe he knows exactly what is going on, but he is playing a trick on me in return for me playing a bit of a trick on him.

Hmm....

I can't play this game for long. I am going to go nuts!

Suspiciously, The Pod

trouble back at the ranch

The 23rd is here.

I figured this would be the day I knew FOR CERTAIN whether I had a little bun in the oven because this is the day my period would have started...and guess what...It did!

I am rather confused.

I FEEL pregnant! I have taken POSITIVE pregnancy tests. One this morning in fact. And yes, they are VERY faint, but still...Shouldn't a positive result mean positively pregnant?

This is strange. Maybe this is normal to bleed a little bit, but...it's not normal for me. I have had three other babies sans early pregnancy bleeding. I've never experienced a miscarriage. I've read that in all reality 20-30% pregnancies end in miscarriage before the mother even knew she was pregnant.

If this is what has happened...It is what it is. I don't think I would even tell anyone I had "miscarried". I think it would hardly be worth the sympathy that people would probably feel obligated to express.

I don't mean to sound cold-hearted...I just know it is nature's way of letting the strongest survive. If something had been wrong with the fetus...it would be better for it to end so early.

I don't write this without some sadness. Although I have only felt pregnant for about a week, I have thought much about this little person growing inside me over that week. Is it a boy? or a girl? Will it be blond or brunette? Shy or extroverted? A mama's boy/girl or a daddy's boy/girl?

Of course my brain was whirling like crazy with the math. I will be due this day. And I will be THIS pregnant at Christmas. My children will be this far apart. I will wait until I am this far along to tell anyone.

My head was full of all sorts of plans. Plans to tell my husband the good news in a creative, original way. Plans to tell our families. Plans to tell friends. Plans to pull out old baby clothes. Plans to start stocking up on diapers. Plans to get some projects done before that blasted morning sickness set in.

I guess even now I am getting ahead of myself. Too much of a thinker, this girl! I need to just calm down and... wait. Ewww! I HATE waiting! I suppose all will reveal itself in due time.

Impatiently, The Pod?

Liar, Liar, pants on fire!

I went to a baby shower today and the mother of the expectant mother, out of the blue, asked me if I was pregnant.

Last week on Facebook, I posted this as my status update: "I just need a good cry!", and one of my dear friends asked me if I was "prego".

The other day I was chatting with my little newlywed sister on the phone and teasingly asked if she was pregnant yet to which she shot back, "Are YOU?!".

Days after I had had my IUD removed, both my sister and friend asked if I had gotten it out.

I consider myself a trustworthy person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I am a horrible liar.

So how did I respond to all these blatant questions???

I lied.

The Ashamed Pod

Mother's Intuition

The other morning I woke up with my hands resting on my belly. But I wouldn't really call it "resting". They had a purpose being there beyond simply resting. They were cradling.

The moment my conscience broke the surface of waking, it realized there was something inside of me. My subconscious already knew. My body knew. My hands knew. They were protecting, palpitating the precious package possessed within.

I have carried and delivered three other children, but with all three I had never felt I had "Mother's Intuition". What I felt this time was so clearly a perception beyond my normal five senses.

It was tremendous.

I KNEW I was pregnant. Even before I had missed a period. Even before tenderness or digestive issues or emotions evidenced. Even before at-home Hcg tests confirmed.

I believed. I felt. I perceived.

An immediate connection to this child. This baby is real and sweet and mine. This baby is my precious package to guard and protect. To wrap up in secrecy and love. No one in the world knows but me, Heavenly Father, and this tiny adored being.

Intuitively, The Pod

In the beginning...

This is my first post as The Pod.

Why do I call myself The Pod?

Because, I have a sneaky suspicion that I am with child.

The very very very faint trace line on the pregnancy tests I have been taking over the last several days would seem to agree.

The tingling, slightly tender, not-so-slightly enlarged breasts (TMI?) also concur.

The ridiculous surge of emotions I struggle to smother every time I see a Hallmark commercial, hear a Christmas song, or wave at some random stranger would also point to my little conclusion.

By the 23rd of this month I should be most certain what my fate in 2010 shall be.

Exciting and grand news, eh???

I'm pretty thrilled! Now, about that husband of mine...Not so sure what he's going to think.

That's why I'm not going to tell him...at least for a little bit. (Here's hoping my blossoming bosom doesn't give me away!)

BUT! I've never been a very private person and I have one heckuva time keeping a secret to myself. I need some outlet for my pregnant rambling steam... BLOGGING WORLD! HERE I COME!!

Ironic, is it not? I am not telling my husband, but in a peculiar way, I am telling the whole world... Hmm... Hopefully, he'll find this as humorous as I do at the time of reveal.

Now, I must run...my "baby" (16 month old) is in desperate need of some Mommy Time.

♥ The Pod