The Empty Pod

Black Friday.

At 2 am I found myself in the ER with our 16-month old who was struggling to breath. My children and I have had rotten colds this week and the baby's illness was getting the best of her airways.

As much as a hospital bill frightens me, seeing my tiny girl fighting for breaths was terrifying. I concluded the stomach ache I felt while cradling her in the hospital room was a result of the panic I felt for her. Or maybe the late/early hour.

After the nurses and doctor treated her for croup (three children and I have never dealt with this particular illness before), they sent us home to bed. Upon waking, I habitually went to the bathroom.

Blood. More. Heavier than before. Not good.

I hoped for the best and remembered hearing stories of other women still having their periods while pregnant. Still feeling uneasy, I went to the store and purchased yet another pregnancy test.

It was negative. Not even a faint, teeny, tiny, trace of a line.

I was prepared to think about this ending in a miscarriage, but I wasn't prepared for the wave of grief I felt as I saw that negative result.

I cried.

I showed my husband the result. I gave him a baby the day before. The next day, it was gone.

I feel...a fool.

I feel like a dramatic little girl who is upset about her toy getting taken away. I am angry at myself for getting so emotional about it. I am ashamed of myself for making such a big deal out of the pregnancy beforehand and then to make a big deal out of this.

I feel embarrassed to even call it a "miscarriage". I am still not quite sure what to call what has happened. There was a line on that stupid, stupid test. Now there is no line. At one point I WAS PREGNANT. Now, I am not. It is gone. That little line is gone and with it that child I was safeguarding.

I am so conflicted right now. I am incredibly saddened...and I don't feel like I should be. For heaven's sake I was only about 5 weeks along. Hardly far enough along to be real. But it was very real for me.

For the past two weeks I have been tending this sweet, little secret in my head and in my belly. I was pondering what my little pea would look like, smell like. I was getting excited to feel it move within me and to eventually hold it in my arms. I wondered if it was a boy or girl.

I felt so sure I had "Mother's Intuition". I had thought I had spiritual impressions regarding this particular pregnancy, that this child was special. That it was specifically meant to come to our family at this time. That it would complete our family.

I just KNEW all these things about this pregnancy. And now that it is over before it's hardly begun...I hardly know what I KNOW now. Do I trust my spiritual promptings? Was I imagining the whole thing?

I know I am "dramatic". I know this about myself. But now I don't know what to do with myself. Am I allowed to mourn? Was there even anything to mourn? My husband doesn't even want me to talk to others about it. I did tell my sisters and mom and I know he was displeased with me for that. He feels that talking about it will make it into a bigger deal than it is. Part of me agrees with him and part of me doesn't.

And part of me realizes that it is okay that this ended. It means that something was wrong and it is good that it didn't progress further. For that I am grateful. I think now I am just so confused about how to feel about this especially since I felt so strongly before about this particular pregnancy.

I still have trouble saying "I am having a miscarriage". I am going to call the doctor on Monday and if they tell it was a miscarriage, I will call it that. But if they pass it off as no big deal, I will try to do that too.

For now, I am sifting through a lot of different feelings. Waves of sadness are still washing over me. For the past two weeks my thinking and planning has been picking up steam, taking me to the destination of Baby: July 2010. Now, I need to slow the train, stop it, and get off.

Part of me wants to sit around and be depressed and eat. It is important that I don't get caught up in that reasoning. That will not help anything.

Part of me wants to tell people, but part of me doesn't. I want to ask questions, but I don't want to annoy my husband and I don't want to appear to be the dramatic fool I feel.

I will admit, part of me feels relieved. The timing was off in the practical sense. The baby would have been due July 30. July is already a hectic month for our family with lots of birthdays, anniversary, and holidays. Now, I won't have to struggle with morning sickness through the holidays. I can get re-started on my jogging like I had planned to do before. I can focus on the three beautiful children I have and on the housework and projects vying for my attention.

I am most certain there will be another pregnancy in the future that will produce that fourth child I felt so profoundly about. And all will be well...soon.

No longer The Pod